Sleep Paralysis

Have you ever experienced a dream so vivid, you wake up wondering if it actually took place? How about a dream so real, and so terrifying, that you wake up panting, and soaked in cold sweat?  Well let me ask you this, have you ever had a dream where you were completely self-aware, and aware of your surroundings, and yourself, and your thoughts, but could not move, could not open your eyes, but still you saw?

A little background. Around the time I started seriously getting into Wicca and throwing off the chains of my former beliefs, I was also changing my sleeping habits.  I was old enough now that my parents no longer gave me a bedtime, so like most young adults I spent late nights enjoying my freedom, up until 2 or 3 in the morning, and sleeping until 3 in the afternoon when able. And subsequently complaining about how tired I was when I had to get up for school in the morning.  I also got into the habit of taking naps in the day as well. Not a very healthy sleep cycle, let me tell you.

One night I was sleeping when suddenly there was a great rush of wind past my ears. I felt such a weight on my chest I thought I was going to suffocate. I felt like I was being strangled with my blankets. I couldn't move my arms or legs, or my head, and though I tried vainly to scream for my parents across the hall not a sound came from my throat. I was aware, though my eyes were closed, of my room around me. I could see the blue blanket with its white stars. I could see everything around me, my night stand, the tv, my dresser, the posters on my wall. It was as if, thought my eyes were closed, I could see.

I finally managed to burst through the dream and came awake, sitting up like a bolt. I found myself panting as if out of breath, and my shirt and sheets were drenched in sweat. I was terrified. I felt drowsy as well, my eyelids were heavy and my brain felt fuzzy. I had to fight to stay away, because I knew if I fell back asleep, the dream would take me.  So I got up and went downstairs, unable to sleep the rest of the night.

A couple weeks later I had the same dream, but this time, along with the rush of air by my ears, I heard a demonic voice in a language I could not understand. When I woke from this terror I had trouble convincing myself it wasn't Lucifer himself trying to win me to the darkside.  Perhaps my choice of religion wasn't a good idea after all?  But no, I could feel in my soul that Wicca was for me... so why was this happening to me?  

The next dream I not only heard the demonic voice, but a second voice. This one was quieter, so I strained to listen rather then block it out as I had with the demonic voice. It sounded like a young man, and he was saying something about me "coming of age."

That was it... I had to find out what these dreams were all about. Was I being visited by angels and demons in my sleep?  So I did some research. But, instead of doing medical research, I did spiritual research and I learned of a thing called a Psychic Vampire Attack. According to the text, what this writer said was an attack by a psychic vampire leaching my life energy, had the exact same symptoms I was feeling.  Wonderful. 

Then something strange happened.  The next dream I had, I dreamed a dark, cloaked figure was standing in my room leaning over me, and that the rush past my ears was him leaching energy from me.  Well wait a second - where did the demon and angel go? The next day I decided more research was in order.

I read about The Hag. An old witch that sits on your chest at night.  I read bout alien abductions. And finally, I found the truth.  In a medical journal I read about Sleep Paralysis.  

There are levels to your sleep.  Specifically the ones I read about where the "twilight" times just before and just after REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, which is the deepest, most restful sleep.  According to this medical journal, your brain and your body fall asleep separately. Though most often they happen at the same time.  Sleep Paralysis was when your body feel asleep, but your mind remained awake (or your mind woke up before your body).  So in essence, you are awake, but your body is paralyzed.  During REM sleep, you don't move, you don't toss and turn, because your body paralyzes itself to rest and to keep you from moving about during dreams.  So what happens is your body is still asleep, but your mind is awake.  And so the thoughts in your mind become vivid hallucinations, but you cannot move.

Then, something very strange happened.  Once I had learned what was happening to me (I even went and discussed it with a doctor, who told me all about how my sleeping schedule was probably causing it) I found that I could control these dreams... I even had one where it was a dog standing on my chest, licking my face.  I cannot stop the dreams from coming, but in my mind I can change what is happening.  I still feel a weight on my chest, and still feel the rushing of air past my ears, and I still feel paralyzed and unable to move. But it is no longer terrifying.  The only really negative aspect now is the way I feel when I wake up. Dizzy, and my mind fuzzy as if stuffed with cotton, and it is hard pulling myself out of it, when my mind so strongly wants me to fall back to sleep.  But now that I know what it is, I no longer fear it.  It is an annoyance, but no more.

I now have much better sleep habits, and have been months without an "episode" of sleep paralysis. 

So what is the moral of the story?

Just because we are spiritual people, does not mean we should turn our back on medical science and knowledge.  If I had not researched the medical reasons behind my episodes, I might still be suffering from terrifying dreams today.  

I strongly believe that Science is not evil, and that though Science may prove evolution, and even figure out where the world came from, how it got here, I do not think it will ever DISPROVE the existence of the supernatural, or of a higher power of any kind.  Even if Science completely maps out without a shadow of a doubt with definitive proof how humans evolve and where the world and universe came from - who is to say that the laws and findings of Science is not in itself a tool of the higher power?  Perhaps Math, and Science, and Physics are themselves a kind of magick created by the Creator at the time of creation like a bluebrint to his/her/its design? 

So, my thoughts are, it isn't Science vs Religion, they can exist in harmony.

A New Home

I come to blogger on the waters of change and chance.  I was formerly of Myspace, but grew distasteful of it in short order.  What once was a wonderful site I used to keep in touch with friends and blog about my daily life, turned into a scene of drama equal to the soap operas on TV, complete with twists and turns and heated arguments.  It was no longer a place to keep in touch, but a means to peddle drama. It became more about how many friends you had. And people would get offended or hurt if their picture was moved lower down the line of your "top friends" just image the chaos of someone was bumped off! It was like those real-life shows they have now... who gets "voted off" your friends list, and who stays?  Putting her next to him in your myspace insinuated something. Posting new pictures in your photo albums was high priority - the world was ending if your new image didn't have a dozen comments by lunch-time.

Myspace was not for me. I wanted a place that was more about the blogging. More about getting my thoughts down somewhere and out of my head. For me, blogging helps me clear my thoughts, helps me organize my mind and makes my world clearer. I may begin a blog with one opinion or idea in mind, and by the end I have talked myself around to a new perspective, usually for the better!

So, a little about myself perhaps?  I am 24 years old as of this march. That makes me a pisces for those of you who don't memorize the astrological calendar.  I am currently attending college at the University of Southern Maine, working towards a BA in history. I am a year away from graduation, and when I completely my BA I fully intend to go back to school to get a Masters in Education, and be a teacher here in Maine. I cannot decide what grade I would like to teach. I am leaning towards middle or high school, where the kids are old enough to appreciate history.  Though it was in my young years that my love of history first came to be when I saw my first show on ancient Egypt.

I am a witch. That is, a practicing Witch of the Celtic Tradition, in the wonderful nature-based religion of Wicca. I have been so for years now, but am only just beginning my formal education in it. I am on the very first lesson of the very first Degree. (The first of up to five degrees) I was not born a witch. My parents are both devout christians.  My father is perfectly accepting of my choice of religion, and even interested enough to discuss it with me.  My mother, like her mother before her, is fully in the belief that I am on a fast-track to eternal damnation, but would never forcefully try to "save" me. Instead she drops what she believes are casual hints and subtle prodding to get me to change my tune.  Which is actually backwards. Mom always seemed more spiritual then religious, and Dad always seemed the one to be close-minded.

I first got into Wicca back in middle school, seventh grade I believe it was.  My friend had gotten into it after seeing the movie the Craft, and also Practical Magic.  I had always loved fantasy, unicorns and dragons and fairies and wizards, so Witchcraft was right up my ally.  We formed a circle with her sister and another friend, and for a few months enjoyed our little game of witchcraft.  My friend lost interest, as did our other friend, but her sister continued to share my interest in this mysterious new religion.  We grew closer, and I became better friends with the sister, Amanda.

Amanda and I would grow apart however. Her ideas of Witchcraft never altered from those she first got from the movie the Craft and our little games at lunch and recess. She would snarl and yell at anyone who dared say "God Bless You" when she sneezed. She would threaten people with curses, hexes, and jinxes if they did not do as she wanted, or if they wouldn't stop picking on her.  Whereas I was more interested in the ancient religion practiced by our pagan ancestors.  I began to study, and when I tried to share my findings with her, she would stubbornly refuse to see reason.  I didn't want to scare people.  Our friendship grew tenuous.

Over the course of the next few years, I would slow down in my investigations into the craft, and later stop all together, only to pick it up again after high school.  I spent weeks learning the many differences of as many religions as I could.  Buddhist, Christianity, Islam, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, all I could find.  I researched the basics, the differences, the similarities. But it was Wicca that continued to call to me.

One day I was in a local spiritual shop browsing the shelves for a new book on religions. The clerk came over and asked if I need a hand. I confessed I wasn't sure what I was looking for.  She smiled and offered her help, pulling a pretty crystal pendulum from her pocket.  Now let me say at first I was skeptical.  I doubted she could tell what I needed from a simple pendulum. And most of you who read this may roll your eyes as well. "give me a break... you really believe this stuff?"  I do now.  Let me tell you, that woman took out a dozen books, one at a time, and held the pendulum over them for a few seconds. It moved side to side lazily, until she pulled on the 12th or 13th book, and the pendulum changed direction from left to right, to up and down.

The book was called Teen Witch by Silver Ravenwolf. I scoffed. I was 22. I wasn't a Teenager anymore. I didn't need some teenage wishy-washy fluff book. And I wasn't even sure Wicca was for me yet.  But, out of sheer curiosity, I bought the book, took it home, and began to read.

That book changed my spiritual life forever.

Let me tell you, it is very hard to shake off a religion. I had been born and raise christian. Baptized as a child, I went to church every sunday until I was 10, when my parents moved and never bothered to find a new church. Everyone I knew was christian, or catholic, or some form of biblical religion. It was all I had ever known.  And when a single religion is all you have ever known, and when that religion teaches you that to NOT practice that religion is a one-way ticket to hell, it is very hard to throw off the chains, so to speak.

Now let me make it completely clear, I hold no animosity towards christianity. It is a beautiful religion, as all religions are. But it was not for me.  And through Silver Ravenwolf's words I was able to cast off the old religion, and walk new down the Wiccan Path.  And the way she wrote it really felt as if she were walking beside me, hand in hand, pointing out all the beauty of witchcraft as we moved down the wooded path.

And so here I am, two years later, beginning my formal training into the Celtic Tradition. A proud student of the Sacred Mists.

I hope I have not bored you with my little story. I thank you for taking the time to get to know me.

Blessed Be